Tony's Loss
by Gabriel Kraus
Summary: "DiNozzo. My office, now." Gibbs said without his usual tone. Tony sat there in disbelief because Gibbs didn't have his gruff tone, let alone his head slap wasn't at is usual hit. Not saying a word, Tony follows his boss to the elevator and enters...


**A/N: First and foremost I must say that the idea for this story is not mine. I came across the story while I was browsing through (there are quite a few that really caught my attention) and reading the different parings for the characters. It wasn't until I had read this particular story that I was at a loss of words. I will put the link so that you can read it. Normally I'd just read and move on to another story but something kept tugging at me and I found myself coming back to the story. Which lead me to creating a story for Tony. As well as making an account here. This is my first story I've posted here (obviously lol) So with that being said, here it is.**

**This is what spawned the idea for this. Read first otherwise I don't think it would make much sense.**

** .net/s/5592995/1/bWork_b_bRelated_b_bLoss_b or look up the story. It is called "Work Related Loss'**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS**

_How much more can a broken heart take? _Tony looks down at the letter that he had found in Ziva's deskas the thought repeats itself over and over. He couldn't believe that she was gone. That this was all just a bad dream and that he would wake up in bed with her in his arms and that she would soothe it away like nothing had ever happened. He slumps down in her chair and brings the letter on her desk and finds himself praying that he's going to wake up. Closing his eyes tightly trying to keep back the tears that threaten to fall, he feels that familiar stinging coming from the back of his head and the footsteps that continue onward.

"DiNozzo. My office, now." Gibbs said without his usual tone. Tony sat there in disbelief because Gibbs didn't have his gruff tone, let alone his head slap wasn't at is usual hit. Not saying a word, Tony follows his boss to the elevator and enters before him. Gibbs wait's a bit before hitting the switch and the lights flicker out, noticing the paper in Tony's hand. Looking at his senior field agent, he lets out a sigh and leans against the elevator wall but before he could say anything, Tony looks up at Gibbs with sorrow and regret in his eyes as he clinches his fist.

"It's all my fault boss." He says as the silence is broken. "I mean yeah I tend to mess things up a lot and things don't go the way we want them to but this crosses the line. This is not how it's supposed to happen…" Before going on anymore, he takes out a small box from his pocket then gives the letter to Gibbs as if knowing what the man was wondering. Gibbs looks at the letter and recognizes Ziva's hand writing but couldn't bring himself to read it. "I wanted her not because of her body.. God how could she think that?" He shakes his head and laughs softly as tears started to fall. "Who am I kidding? I never once showed Ziva that I truly cared. Well caring is one thing, anyone can do that. But to show her that I love her, really love her for who she is and how much she means to me-" He began to sob and slumped down against the wall, letting down everything that he had put up to keep in control.

Gibbs looks at the last part of the letter and felt his heart drop when he fully realized what had been going on the past month between his two agents. He had his suspicions about them but never pressed the issue since it hadn't affected them working as a team. On a personal note, he was glad that they had got through the tension but now things seem more complicated than ever. Between Ziva and Tony, he did think of the two as his children or pretty close to it. He felt like he had lost his daughter again or in this case, another daughter and wasn't sure if he would be able to comfort the man in front of him that he always thought of as a son but would never say it aloud to him. Gibbs gets down on his knee and puts a hand on Tony's shoulder as Tony looks up at him, eyes red and cheeks stained with tears.

"Go home Anthony, take the day for yourself." He offers his hand and helps him off the floor while Tony wipes away any trace of tears and simply nodded, not wanting to argue the issue. Gibbs watches as Tony flips the switch and as soon as the doors open, he walks towards his desk and grabs his backpack to head home.

The drive home seemed agonizingly slow and painful, only left with his thoughts because the last thing he wanted was to turn on the radio just to hear a song that reminds him of Ziva. _I'm sorry if you loved me and I'm sorry that I killed our child…_ As her words echo through his mind, Tony tries his best to ignore it and goes to his cabinet and takes a long swig from the bottle of whiskey. He could no longer ignore her words in the letter as well as his regret of not telling Ziva his feelings, he snaps and lets his anger take over. Throwing the bottle of whiskey against the wall, Tony then turns and knocks over his pictures of the team as well as various awards and a picture that Ziva and himself had taken together. Seeing that picture only added fire to him and he lets out a yell that he has been holding in from the moment he accepted the reality that she is gone. He starts to punch his fists into the wall, ignoring the pain each impact inflicts on to him. Tony kicks over his coffee table, breaking off one of the legs and goes off on a destructive rampage through his apartment. Walking back to the living room, he sits in the middle of what's left of his table and feels something warm running along his hand. Looking down and he notices a piece of glass imbedded in his wrist, he smiles sadly and leans against the couch.

_Oh well, what does it matter now_? Tony leans against the couch and reaches for his phone, wincing lightly at the sharp pain coming from his other hand. He flips it open and turns if off. _So much for keeping with the rules_… He looks towards the door as he hears a constant pounding on it. Rolling his eyes and takes out his gun, laying it next to him. The knocking keeps going persistently and Tony gets even more annoyed.

"For the love of God, leave me the fuck alone!" He tries to stand but gets dizzy quickly and sits back down, all the while he notices his door being opened and sees a silhouette of a woman approaching him. Tony's eyes widen and moves away, grabbing his gun but only for it to slip from his grasp. "It can't be…" He couldn't make out what she was saying, let alone who the other silhouette was. Trying to stand to move away from the woman's reach, he slips on the whiskey that was spilled and hits his head against the wall and knocks himself out.

The morning rays shine through the blinds, lighting up the once darken room as the light awakens Tony from his sleep. His head was aching and he moved his arm up to inspect his wrist only to see no injury or mark there. Sitting up on the bed, he looks around to see that everything in his bedroom was in order, no trace of the rampage he went on. _What in the hell happened last night?_ While he tries to gather his thoughts, he's met with the scent of vanilla and tenses up as he feels a soft hand move along his chest as he moved.

"Good morning Tony, I take that you slept well?" Ziva sits up, holding the blanket around to cover herself up as she sits next to him. Tilting her head to the side as a smile etches upon her. His eyes widen upon recognizing her voice and turns to see her staring at him with a glint in her eyes. Putting his arm around her waist and pulls her close to him as he embraces her, laying his head on her shoulder.

_I don't know how and I don't really care. Ziva is still with me, that's all that matters now. _Not protesting against his actions, Ziva responds by hugging him back then sits on his lap.

"Are you alright? You were mumbling a lot and seemed more stressed out." She breaks the embrace but keeps her eyes upon him.

"It was nothing sweet cheeks. No need to worry about it." _Yeah, don't need to say that you had killed yourself and our child. _Tony smiles at her to assure that it's not worth speaking about but she wouldn't have it.

"Is that so? Your tossing, turning as well as saying my name is no call for concern?" Before he could answer, Ziva leans in and kisses him softly while cupping his cheek, placing a smaller kiss before breaking. "Now let us try again. What was bothering you so much in your sleep."

He looks in her eyes before sighing in defeat. "Well the dream was about you."

"What about me?"

"Can you let me finish otherwise I won't be able to tell you while I still want to." Ziva smiles and nods her head in agreement. "I know that everyone says 'it felt so real' and I always make fun about that but I understand now why they say that. We had got a call to investigate a gunshot heard at your apartment. McGee found you, said it was a self inflicted gunshot. Gibbs and myself couldn't believe it. Hell, none of us could but we found out that was all it was. No note or anything to go with it." Tony smiles sadly and continues on. "As is the mystery of Ziva David, we couldn't understand why you would do something like that. Next day at work, I went to your desk to see if I could find anything that would hint to why you would kill yourself. I found a envelope or rather it fell on my lap. I read it and felt everything fall apart. You were pregnant and didn't want an abortion or to have the baby knowing that I didn't love you. I couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it. I lost it in front of Gibbs and just went spiraling down even further when I got home. Last thing I can remember was glass embedded in my wrist and a woman coming towards me, then I woke up. I was shocked that you were still beside me when I woke up, I know now it's nothing. Just a bad dream.

"Tony, I- Why did it bother you so much?" Ziva sits down beside him and faces him while he does the same. "Granted that night was amazing in itself, why and how did my death affect you so?"

"Because I love you! It's more than the physical sense. It killed me that you had thought I only loved you for your body and that our child was gone with you. Prior to the afternoon we found you, nothing went wrong between us. It was like a usual day between us but I then realized that I was wrong. I didn't mean for you to believe I just wanted sex, I wanted and still want more than that." Tony breathes out deeply and stays quiet while Ziva moves closer to him, bringing his head to her shoulder and embraces him once more, kissing his forehead.

"Anthony, please don't be sad. I truly do love you and it makes me happy that you feel the same way." Running her hand through his hair as he relaxes then gets a slight chill from her words.

"I know it's a bad time to correct you but shouldn't you have said not to worry?" Tony looks up at her as he starts to feel a rush of panic run through him.

"I wish I could my dearest but I'm afraid that I would be the one lying if I told you that. The last thing I want to do is to lie to you." Ziva looks at him as tears start to build and a few start to fall. She takes his hand and puts it over her heart then puts her hand over his heart. "You will always be here for me as I will live on in yours. I wish things have turned out differently for us, really I do. I would give anything for this just to be a nightmare and that I will awaken next to you but you will always see me in your dreams."

"No…no, no, no." Tony shakes his head in disbelief as tears stream down his face. "I won't have it! I meant what I told you, I couldn't live with you and I meant it. Let me stay here with you Ziva, please." She gently pushes him back down on the bed and curls up beside him.

"I'm sorry but that can not happen. You need to go back and stay with them, you need each other. That's what family is there for. Return to them Tony, for me." She moves up and kisses him while he holds onto her. "You are my soul mate and I know that we'll meet again in another life my love." Cupping his cheek and kisses him one more time, telling him to rest and assuring him that he will be alright.

Tony sits upright in the bed screaming Ziva's name and feels a familiar crushing hug, catching his breathe then returns it with one arm. _Why couldn't I stay? I would have been happy being with Ziva._

"Tony! Oh my God, oh my God! We were so worried! Gibbs felt that you shouldn't be alone so Tim and I went to your place to keep you company when heard yelling and things being smashed and broken. I don't know how he did it but Timothy picked the lock and we found you bleeding fading in and out of consciousness." Abby explained in one breath and hugs him again.

"You gave us quite a scare my dear boy." Tony looks up to see Ducky approach the bedside. "Lost quite amount of blood, you were lucky that you didn't sever your artery." Ducky smiles and pats him gently on the shoulder then leaves to tell the doctor that Tony was awake.

"What were you thinking DiNozzo?" The familiar tone was back and Tony almost smiled at that thought only to wince in slight pain as Gibbs head slaps him. As Tony was about to speak, Gibbs shakes his head. "That's for shutting your phone off."

"Got it boss." He says. Then looks over to where McGee was sitting. "Probie! I guess I should thank you for picking the lock and finding me." Tim looks up at Tony, emotionless and just nods his head, walking up to him getting ready to say what had been on his mind but Gibbs beats him to it.

"Tony, I know that you were hurting because Ziva is gone but you aren't the only one. She was important to all of us and not just you. Whatever went on between you two was obviously between you two but you shouldn't have gone hulk in your apartment. You could have called anyone of us." Gibbs tells Tony but he looks up at the older man and smiles as the thought comes to mind.

"Boss, did you really just make a movie reference of me to the hulk? I mean if that's the case, are we talking Edward Norton or Lou Ferrigno?" Gibbs shakes his head at Tony then gives McGee the go ahead as he lightly slaps the back of his head.

"Aww come on! That's no way to treat a guy who's stuck in the hospital." Tony tries to smile but it only goes so far. Deep down he knew that it will be awhile before he would really give a genuine smile. But with Gibbs, Abby, McGee and Ducky there for him, he was sure that he would be ok. Granted that it would take some time but as long as he still had his family, Tony would smile someday. As he watches the three of them talk, he smelt a faint scent of vanilla around him. Remembering her words saying that he was her soul mate, he leans back on the bed and looks to the nightstand by the bed. A picture he had reprinted in black and white of her in Paris. Tony closes his eyes and reminisces. _As are you my ninja. You're my soul mate._

**Well there it is. First story up and ready. I have a couple others in mind but still trying to decide on which ones to do first. Read and review please =) **

**Gabriel**


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